GireWire

Katherine (Jennifer Aniston) pretends to be the future ex-wife of Danny (Adam Sandler) the plastic surgeon in the rom-com “Just Go With It.”

---

To understand how brain-numbing and manipulative this insufferably crass and icky rom-com is, some cinematic genealogy would be in order.

“Just Go With It” is a remake of the Oscar-winning 1969 comedy “Cactus Flower,” written by Billy Wilder’s frequent collaborator I.A.L. Diamond, who also penned a few notable features such as “Some Like It Hot,” “The Front Page” and “The Apartment.”

Diamond based his script on the stage play “Cactus Flower” adapted by Abe Burrows, who also wrote a few Broadway shows you might have heard of: “Guys and Dolls,” “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” and “Can-Can.”

When frequent Adam Sandler collaborator and hack director Dennis Dugan got his hands on this project, “Just Go With It” suddenly went without an unfunny foul-matter detector or a convincing emotional arc designed to counteract the shameful actions of its irritating characters.

“Just Go With It” tells the story of a wealthy plastic surgeon named Danny (Sandler) who lies to women to get them in bed. That plot’s been done a few times before, of course.

“I discovered the power of the wedding ring!” Danny blurts in his annoying, dumbed-down voice-over narration that explains how he pretends to be unhappily married so hot women will offer him pity sex.

But a none-too-bright, 23-year-old super hottie named Palmer (Brooklyn Decker) thinks Danny is single. So when she finds the dummy wedding ring in Danny’s pocket, the surgeon lies and tells her he’s married, but getting a divorce. (Read more…)

Marcus Aquila (Channing Tatum) tries to survive a surprise attack in 120 A.D. Britain in Kevin Macdonald’s “The Eagle.”

---

I know it sounds crazy, but I wanted to see what the two main characters in the ancient Roman adventure “The Eagle” were going to do after the movie instead of watching what they actually did in the movie.

A Roman soldier named Marcus Aquila (Channing Tatum) and his freed slave Esca (“Billy Elliot” star Jamie Bell) suddenly become liberated from all obligations, and are free to do whatever they want with their lives.

It’s an amazing, uplifting scene filled with excitement and endless possibilities, almost like a defining moment for an ancient superhero and his loyal sidekick.

Instead of the Green Hornet and Kato, they’re the Grim Roman and Esca. What will they do now?

Maybe we’ll find out in “The Eagle 2,” if one comes along.

In the meantime, Kevin Macdonald’s action-heavy “The Eagle” shows how the unlikely duo met in a ragtag story where the viewers must fill in most of the emotional gaps, and the confusing, strobe-edited battle scenes are like pulled punches in a PG-13 movie doing everything it can to avoid an R rating.

In 120 A.D., 5,000 soldiers in Rome’s infamous Ninth Legion mysteriously vanished while on patrol in the northern part of Britain. Also lost: the treasured gold Eagle standard that led the legion.

The commander of the legion: Marcus’ father. (Read more…)

Two lawn ornaments fall in love despite their severe family differences in “Gnomeo and Juliet.”

---

This is not your garden variety, animated 3-D Shakespearean knock-off.

“Gnomeo & Juliet” may sound like a cheesy kids’ movie, but it quickly establishes itself as a delightful, clever, musical reinvention of William Shakespeare’s romantic tragedy as experienced through the secret lives of gnomes.

Yep, garden gnomes. Those elfish, concrete/plaster characters you buy at home-improvement stores and then set out on the lawn to be forever dumped on by passing birds.

But like the main characters in the “Toy Story” movies, these gnomes spring to life when humans aren’t looking.

The story takes place at Stratford-upon-Avon (the Bard’s birthplace) where Mr. Montague (voiced by Richard Wilson) and Ms. Capulet (voiced by Julie Walters) carry on a scary war of words as feuding neighbors living in the same large duplex.

Naturally, their garden gnomes are also in eternal conflict, for reasons they don’t remember and no longer care about.

The Montagues wear blue. The Capulets wear red. For American audiences, this adds an unsubtle political metaphor for the feuding Democrats and Republicans.

Gnomeo (voiced by “Last King of Scotland” star James McAvoy) appears as a weathered ornament constantly competing in lawn mower races with his red rival Tybalt (voiced by action star Jason Statham). (Read more…)

Steve (Ben Foster), left, and Arthur (Jason Statham) prepare to blast their way out of trouble in “The Mechanic.”

---

If you took “The Mechanic” — an action-packed but superficial thriller — and combined it with George Clooney’s “The American” — a stylistically nuanced, but boring drama — you might get a near-perfect movie about a professional assassin philosophizing about his lonely life while engaging in ultraviolent, bloody battles in every other scene.

Simon West’s “The Mechanic,” a remake of a popular 1972 Charles Bronson crime drama, sputters along on the raw power of those graphically realistic action scenes and a plethora of howler tough-guy dialogue.

The best example: “I’ve put such a big price on your head,” Tony Goldwyn’s chief bad guy says, “that when you look into a mirror, your reflection is going to want to shoot you in the face!”

“The Mechanic” refers to Arthur, a highly efficient hit man played by “Transporter” star Jason Statham.

He starts off the movie by drowning a well-guarded drug lord in his own swimming pool right under the guns of his guards. (By starting this way, the film conveniently skips over how Arthur circumvented the heavy security at the drug lord’s compound.)

In a few quick scenes, we see that Arthur works for an international assassination group headed by the slithery Dean (Goldwyn), and that Harry McKenna (Donald Sutherland) has been Arthur’s old friend and mentor.

One day, Arthur receives a shocking new assignment.

Yep. Harry. (Read more…)

Daily Herald Film Critic Dann Gire will be a contributing critic and correspondent on the new nationally syndicated TV show, “Ebert Presents At the Movies,” hosted by Associated Press’ Christy Lemire and Ignatiy Vishnevetsky of Mubi.com. It airs at 8:30 p.m. Fridays on WTTW.

---

Daily Herald Film Critic Dann Gire will be moonlighting on “Ebert Presents At the Movies,” Roger Ebert’s new nationally syndicated movie and current events show that airs locally at 8:30 p.m. Fridays on WTTW.

Gire was selected to be a contributing critic and correspondent. The first show aired Friday, though Gire’s first appearance has not yet been scheduled.

“I had to pinch myself when I got an e-mail from executive producer Chaz Ebert, asking me if I’d like to join the staff,” Gire said. “‘Ebert Presents’ is the ‘Maltese Falcon’ of TV shows. I know it’s going to be a lot of work, but I suspect it’ll also be a lot of fun.”

The show will be a new approach to Ebert’s popular, long-running movie review shows, which began 25 years ago as “Siskel & Ebert” and later was “Ebert & Roeper.”

“At the Movies” has nine supporting cast members, including Gire, and besides movie reviews will feature segments on current events and classic movies.

Other contributors include the “Today” show’s Alison Bailes, CBS News Analyst Jeff Greenfield and Nell Minow, the “Movie Mom” from beliefnet.com. (Read more…)

Ed Harris, left, leads a cast of refugees escaping from a Siberian gulag in 1940 in Peter Weir’s “The Way Back.”

---

I don’t know about you, but I’m beginning to think that if you’ve seen one torturously dangerous escape-from-a-Siberian-gulag movie, you’ve kinda seen them all.

“The Way Back” comes from internationally celebrated Australian filmmaker Peter Weir, who directed such notable movies as “Witness,” “Picnic at Hanging Rock,” “The Last Wave,” “The Truman Show” and “The Dead Poets Society.”

Here, Weir directs a meticulously detailed epic escape adventure stuffed with everything but the one element his movie really needs: characters we can empathize with.

The normally charismatic Ed Harris and normally edgy Colin Farrell breathe a little life into their one-dimensional characters, but they’re stuck leading a nondescript group of escapees so generic and banal that it’s tough to worry about them being shot by Russians or dying of hunger in the wilderness or being fried alive in the desert.

“The Way Back” is “inspired by” a book by Slavomir Rawicz, “The Long Walk: The True Story of a Trek to Freedom,” plus other alleged true stories researched by Weir and co-writer Keith Clarke.

Shot in Bulgaria, Morocco and India, Weir’s drama takes place in 1940 during Stalin’s Reign of Terror in Poland.

A young woman, clearly against her will, accuses her husband Janusz (Jim Sturgess), a Polish army officer, of spying and crimes against the state. (Read more…)

Barney (Golden Globe winner Paul Giamatti) gets a life lesson from Dad (Dustin Hoffman) in “Barney’s Version.”

---

The moderately engaging “Barney’s Version” works almost like an old-fashioned temperance movie warning against the evils of sinful drink. Not only does the boozer main character, a successful TV producer named Barney Panofsky (Paul Giamatti in excellent form) lose his marriage and friends because of alcoholic hazes, he comes down with early Alzheimers’ symptoms suggesting the wrath of God at work for his overindulgence.

Giamatti’s selfish main character doesn’t binge-drink or become rip-roaring drunk. It’s more subtle. Barney makes key decisions while under 70-proof influences, and they ultimately erode the stability of his relationships.

“Barney’s Version” opens with the title character in middle age. Through a series of flashbacks, Barney goes through three wives.

First, the free-spirited Clara (Rachelle Lefevre) who commits suicide in Rome. Second, the Jewish princess “Second Mrs. P” (Minnie Driver) who can’t shut up.

Third, the beautiful Miriam (Rosamund Pike), whom Barney hits on only minutes after taking his vows with the Second Mrs. P, telegraphing the early demise of marriage No. 2.

The story gains a little bit of mystery when a cop (Mark Addy) is sure that Barney shot and killed his best friend Boogie (Scott Speedman), but can’t prove it. Barney was in an alcoholic fog and can’t remember when Boogie mysteriously vanished off the edge of a boat dock. (Read more…)

Gene McClary (Tommy Lee Jones), left, and Bobby Walker (Ben Affleck) contemplate their futures after being laid off.

---

I came out of John Wells’ drama “The Company Men” not particularly bowled over by its conventional, made-for-TV visuals and its finger-pointing at how selfish and greedy America’s top CEOs can be.

But “The Company Men” did impress me with its optimistic view of the world, and belief in the American worker’s ability not only to survive calamity, but to adapt and rebound for new sets of challenges in the market.

More than that, “The Company Men” tells a cautionary tale of people placing importance on all the wrong things in life, mainly, things. Stuff like possessions, bank accounts, stocks, bonds, houses, cars, club memberships, exotic vacations and expensive lunches.

It quietly illustrates — through the experiences of three corporate men fired from their lucrative jobs — the virtues of community, sacrifice and compassion.

So, I decided that in “The Company Men,” Wells has actually created an engaging Sunday morning sermon with moving pictures and an even more moving story.

Later, I found out that the producer/writer of “The West Wing,” “Shameless” and “E.R.” grew up the son of an Episcopal minister, and that cemented my assessment of his movie.

“The Company Men” takes us through the financial fire and economic brimstone of 2008 through the lives of three corporate employees of an international manufacturing conglomerate, GTX. (Read more…)

Ronny Valentine (Vince Vaughn), right, and pal Nick Brannen (Kevin James) celebrate their Hawkishness in Ron Howard’s comedy “The Dilemma.”

---

Ron Howard’s “The Dilemma” is a Chicagoan’s movie.

It was shot in the Windy City. It shows lots of Chicago locations.

It stars Chicago actor Vince Vaughn, who grew up in Buffalo Grove and Lake Forest. It features Chicago sports teams.

It even shows a brief glimpse of an Oberweiss milk bottle. Late in the story, Vaughn incorporates the Oberweiss slogan into a line of dialogue: “Simply the best!”

Regrettably, “The Dilemma” is not simply the best.

It is simply a confusing, erratic “dramedy” that preaches the importance of honesty, even though none of the main characters actually practices it.

“The Dilemma” is also a victim of a bait-and-switch marketing strategy.

Universal Pictures’ trailers and commercials portray the movie as a wacky comedy about a man who sees his best buddy’s wife smooching another man at the Chicago Botanic Garden, then becomes wracked with uncertainty about how to handle it.

“The Dilemma” certainly begins as a wacky bromantic comedy, but takes a bumpy detour into much darker territory as the characters shed their humorous veneers and put their true nastier natures on display. (Read more…)

Kato (Jay Chou) and Britt Reed (Seth Rogen) spring into action to combat villainy in “The Green Hornet.”

---

On paper, “The Green Hornet” probably looked like an inspired concept.

Take the old Green Hornet premise — a smart and rich white newspaper publisher named Britt Reed goes masked vigilante with help from his Asian manservant Kato — and give it a contemporary, comic twist.

So, the publisher is now a bumbling, immature party animal (played by Seth Rogen, no less) who inherits his father’s empire and newspaper, the Sentinel, but doesn’t know what to do with it.

Kato, meanwhile, is no manservant. He’s a mechanical and engineering genius, martial arts warrior, piano-prodigy, weapons expert and coffee-making artiste.

Together, they decide to protect the citizens of L.A. by becoming good guys pretending to be bad guys who fight crime without badges.

Sounds irresistible, right?

Yet, director Michel Gondry finds all sorts of ways to make it extremely resistible.

His 3-D action movie never finds its proper comic tone, a balance between superhero camp and self-aware humor.

Worse, this film turns the popular radio/TV super vigilante into a noisy, thoughtless, lazy frat boy comedy with Rogen channeling a rom-com-grade Will Ferrell.

Taiwanese singer/actor Jay Chou’s charisma-challenged Kato doesn’t do any heavy lifting in the martial arts scenes. They’ve been shot with “Matrix” bullet-time effects, visually grabbing digital manipulations that could make the late Leslie Nielsen look like a kung fu master. (Read more…)