GireWire

Samantha, Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte (Kim Cattrall, Sarah Jessica Parker, Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis) return for more “Sex and the City” in a new sequel.

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You.

Yeah, you!

If you already have plans for a girls’ night out to see the new movie “Sex and the City 2,” don’t read this review. It’s not for you.

The sheer joy of seeing Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha together again, talking about their problems with men, kids and jobs, salivating over shoes, wearing high-fashion dresses and copping condescending attitudes toward non-American cultures should be reward enough.

But for the men and women who loved the original HBO cable series, “SATC2” lacks many essentials, such as charm and goodwill. And, the biggest blow of all, the fifth leading character has been unceremoniously dumped: New York City.

Yes. The sex is there.

The city isn’t.

Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha (Sarah Jessica Parker, Kristin Davis, Cynthia Nixon and Kim Cattrall) take up an offer from a Middle Eastern businessman and head to an exotic Abu Dhabi hotel to be pampered and pleasured beyond their wildest dreams. How wild? No charge! (Read more…)

Natasha and J (Barbara Mori and Hrithik Roshan) become fate-crossed lovers in the romance-action-thriller “Kites.”

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Every frame in the bold, breakthrough Bollywood movie “Kites” looks as if it’s been purloined from a heavy-breathing Victoria’s Secret commercial.

Bodaciously beautiful bikini-bound babes practically pose while on a yacht with ripped and rippled men. The camera luxuriates in the sexy, sensual appeal of its main cast. It shamelessly showcases the actors’ most alluring pairs, mostly burning green eyes and fiery lips.

Although “Kites” uses English and Spanish as well as Hindi dialogue, and has been filmed in the United States and Mexico instead of India, it’s still very much a Bollywood movie, a hyper-stylized, over-the-top cinematic experience of epic excess and bombastic sensationalism.

As directed by successful Indian filmmaker Anurag Basu, “Kites” is mostly a movie about the movies.

It slams seemingly disjunctive genres together with gleeful force, so that one minute we’re watching spaghetti western, the next, a moody film noir detective mystery or a spectacular, strobe-edited rock music video.

Film buffs can tick off the stylistic references: “A Fistful of Dollars,” “Bonnie and Clyde,” “Flashdance,” “Smokey and the Bandit,” “Thelma and Louise” (make that minus Louise). And more.

“Kites” valiantly attempts to play it straight. That is, people don’t suddenly break into elaborately choreographed musical dance numbers as they do in traditional Bollywood epics. (Read more…)

Shrek (Mike Myers) and Donkey (Eddie Murphy) freak out Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas) in “Shrek Forever After.”

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“Shrek Forever After,” the third and supposedly final sequel in the popular fractured fairy tale franchise, still packs plenty of green entertainment power.

It offers up the expected barrage of witty lines, pop culture references, sight gags and songs played for comic effect. It brings back Shrek, Donkey, Fiona and Puss in Boots for one more round of merriment.

But you know the series is running out of inspiration when it resorts to using an ogre’s midlife crisis as a premise, then baldly steals its plot from the classic film, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” in which a despondent Jimmy Stewart contemplates suicide before an angel shows him what the world would be like had he never been born.

Shrek, that green glob of gelatinous goodness voiced by Mike Myers, doesn’t want to be lovable anymore.

No. He wants to be feared.

He wants people to run away from him in stark terror.

He wants to frighten children so he can steal food from their picnic baskets.

What the heck has happened to Shrek?

He’s in the throes of a midlife crisis. He hates the drudgery of everyday life, changing diapers of his three belching, pooping babies and forgetting how sexy his wife Fiona (Cameron Diaz) used to be in her prime princess period. He hates being beloved.

“I’m just a jolly green joke!” Shrek shrieks. (Read more…)

Engaged Sophie (Amanda Seyfriend) starts to fall for British Charlie (Christopher Egan) in the romance “Letters to Juliet.”

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If you like the generic pop-tune montage that opens “Letters to Juliet,” you’ll love the second one 30 minutes later.

And the third 36 minutes later.

And the fourth 44 minutes later.

And the fifth 70 minutes later.

And the sixth 75 minutes later.

Gary Winick’s romantically listless “Letters to Juliet” squanders an utterly winsome cast in a prefab plot so predictable and gooey that your shoes might just stick to the theater floor.

The adorable Amanda Seyfried plays Sophie, a fact-checker for New Yorker magazine, edited by a curt Oliver Platt. Sophie embarks on a “pre-wedding honeymoon” to Italy with her beau, Spanish chef Victor (the cute and charming Gael Garcia Bernal).

Instantly, we can tell: He’s all wrong for her.

Victor is about to open his own New York restaurant. He spends his time in Italy not with the lovely Sophie, but with the suppliers who will furnish the food and wine for his business. Victor can’t even get through a conversation with Sophie without taking an urgent phone call.

So, “Letters to Juliet” becomes another one of those rom-coms where everyone but the heroine knows that her current relationship is doomed the moment that she meets the next available hunky guy. (Read more…)

Trophy-wife-wannabe Morgan (Paula Patton), left, moves on NBA star Scott (Common) as Leslie (Queen Latifah) can barely believe her eyeballs in the romantic comedy “Just Wright.”

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There are moments in the trite rom-com “Just Wright” when executive producer Queen Latifah looks unbelievably stunning in an evening gown, or just swaddled in a set of overalls.

There are other moments in Sanaa Hambri’s romantic fantasy that explode with genuine romantic fireworks, amazing little moments that transcend a formulaic, by-the-numbers plot.

In this almost-right, bland and overwritten rom-com, the size-plus woman gets the guy, because the guy gets her first.

But this only happens after he realizes that playing for a picture-perfect woman isn’t always the best strategy in the metaphorical game of love.

Latifah plays Leslie Wright, a physical therapist who lives vicariously through the endless romances of her beautiful, model-esque best pal Morgan (Paula Patton, the knockdown gorgeous inner-city teacher in “Precious”).

A shallow materialist and gold digger, Morgan can’t wait to achieve her lifelong dream of becoming an NBA trophy wife so she can sit in the special bleachers and hobnob with the other trophy spouses.

One night at a gas station, Leslie has a chance meeting with New Jersey Nets superstar Scott McKnight (Common), who seems quite taken with her down-to-earth qualities and self-confidence.

Until he meets Morgan, who baits her feminine hook with the precision of a professional deep-sea fisherwoman. Soon, she’s picking out silverware and dishes with the man whom Leslie really likes – and saw first. (Read more…)

Aussie actor Russell Crowe tries on the tights, quivers and scabbards as the infamous English rogue “Robin Hood.”

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Zounds! What hath Ridley Scott done to ye old Robin Hood and his band of merry men?

You know, the beloved English outlaw who took from the rich and gave to the poor in one of history’s most celebrated redistribution of wealth programs?

This moody Robin Hood, played by mumbling Aussie Russell Crowe, suffers from repressed memories stemming from a traumatic childhood. No wonder his men have trouble working up a little merriment now and then.

Plus, this Robin Hood sports a graying beard, saggy eyes and paunchy tummy. He’s as old as a Medieval grandpa and he hasn’t even met maid Marion yet.

Speaking of Marion, she’s played by the perfectly enunciating Cate Blanchett.

She hasn’t been a maid in quite a while. But in the 10 years she’s been married to Crusades warrior Robert Loxley, she’s become a gifted farmer, fighter, archer, English speaker and feminist warrior.

Stand back. She wields one mean broadsword.

During a climactic battle on the English beach, she shows up wearing a fashionable knight’s suit just her size. (Where’d she get it? Armor R Us? Was she home-schooled in combat, or did she intern under an English knight?)

The idea of Robin and Marion getting together in their senior years has already been explored in Richard Lester’s 1976 movie “Robin and Marian” with Sean Connery and Audrey Hepburn. There’s nothing wrong with “Robin Hood” revisiting that concept, except that Scott’s movie is a legend origin tale that takes place before military archer Robin Longstride evolves into the outlaw Robin Hood. (Read more…)

Robert Downey Jr. reprises his role as wealthy industrialist Tony Stark in the anticipated action sequel “Iron Man 2.”

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“Iron Man 2” takes off with a sputter, flies aimlessly around for a while, then finally kicks the blasters into overdrive during the last act to deliver a comic book adventure worthy of its well-made 2008 original.

Jon Favreau’s sequel neither eclipses nor equals his fresh, clever Marvel superhero origin tale, but it still packs loads of entertaining fun sprinkled with witty dialogue, spectacular effects and physical stunts so amazing they boggle the eyes – especially when executed by Scarlett Johansson swaddled in a skintight ninja suit.

Robert Downey Jr.’s irreverent, Peter Pan-like portrayal of billionaire industrialist Tony Stark (aka Iron Man) continues to be the movie’s strongest asset, although Favreau’s light and nimble direction keeps the story’s piled-on complications from sinking under their own globby weight.

Stark continues to have heart problems, and not only because E.T.’s glowing ticker in his chest is slowly dying, He also possesses unresolved feelings for Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow, back with more red hair) roiling beneath his armored facade.

In addition, poor Tony suffers from estranged daddy issues with his dead father, Howard Stark (John Slattery, looking as if he just stepped off the set of “Mad Men”).

Then there’s the strained friendship between Stark and Lt. Col. James “Rhodey” Rhodes (Don Cheadle, an improvement over original actor Terrence Howard). Stark doesn’t appreciate how his increasingly flaky behavior jeopardizes Rhodes’ career. (Read more…)

The infamous glove of Freddy Krueger (Jackie Earle Haley) returns in the horror remake of “Nightmare on Elm Street.”

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One, two

Freddy’s after you!

Three, four

What a bore

Five, six

Same old tricks

Seven, eight

Don’t bring a date

Nine, Ten

Not this, again!

Samuel Bayer’s “A Nightmare on Elm Street” squanders a grand opportunity to reinvent and update Wes Craven’s 1984 horror mini-classic about a diabolical pizza-faced boogeyman who kills tired teenagers while they dream.

Instead of a bold re-imagining – such as Zack Snyder’s kick-butt remake of George Romero’s classic zombie sequel “Dawn of the Dead” – this “Nightmare” merely recycles the original work right down to its bloody, showcase killing of a screaming teenage girl gutted by razor-happy Freddy Krueger while pinned upside down to her bedroom ceiling.

Granted, Bayer’s “Nightmare” doesn’t stoop to a simple-minded shot-for-shot remake (as Gus Van Sant did for Alfred Hitchcock’s classic “Psycho”), but his uninspired retread offers nothing new.

The most disappointing aspect of “Nightmare” has got to be the great Jackie Earle Haley’s generic interpretation of Freddy, the horror icon created by Robert Englund. (Read more…)

“Sex in Hollywood–A Love/Hate Story”

Join Dann Gire (film critic of Chicago’s suburban newspaper THE DAILY HERALD, as well as the founder and president of the Chicago Film Critics Association, and adjunct instructor at Aurora and Harper Colleges in Illinois) and Raymond Benson (novelist, author of 20 books, former official author of James Bond books, film historian, and Film History instructor at the College of DuPage in Glen Ellyn, Illinois) as they examine how Hollywood handled the touchy issue of sex up to the creation of the Ratings Administration. Included are clips from such films as “The Kiss,” “It Happened One Night,” “Tarzan and His Mate,” “The Outlaw” and “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.” See Schaumburg Township District Library for more details.

Cost: Free

THURSDAY, May 6, 7:30pm
AV Theater
Schaumburg Township District Library
130 S. Roselle Road
Schaumburg, Illinois

Maire (Connie Nielsen) brings home Tomas (John Bell), a “runt of the litter,” in the adoption drama “A Shine of Rainbows.”

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Vic Sarin’s “A Shine of Rainbows” won’t be raking in the cash at this weekend’s box office. It lacks popular A-list stars, operates on a minimal marketing budget and offers a subject that doesn’t exactly scream date movie.

It’s just a quiet, slowly engaging domestic drama with a good heart, told with sincerity, and elevated by a trio of excellent performances.

The story begins in an Irish orphanage where a little lad named Tomas (John Bell, an open wound of compassion and sympathy) suffers daily abuse meted out by class bullies, unabated by the priest and nuns.

Tomas’ life takes a drastic change when he is abruptly adopted by Maire (Connie Nielsen), a beautiful and outgoing young woman. She sweeps the boy away to the stony Corrie Island off the Irish coast. (The transition from the dark and colorless orphanage to the color-bursting island feels a bit ham-handed, but it still works.)

Maire’s self-sufficient husband Alec (Chicago’s own Aidan Quinn, a model of restrained, raging emotion) can’t hide his dismay at Maire’s choice of his new son.

Tomas is constantly terrorized by people and new things. He hides out in the shed rather than meet the neighbors from the nearest farm. He seems lost and incapable of handling the slightest responsibility.

“Why did you have to pick the runt of the litter?” Alec coldly says to Maire.

Only minutes into the movie, Nielsen has already answered that question by laying out Maire’s character in efficient and precise detail. She didn’t choose the boy she needed. She chose the boy who needed her. (Read more…)