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Conan the Cimmerian (Jason Momoa) defends a “pure blood” woman (Rachel Nichols) from assault in Marcus Nispel’s 3-D remake of John Milius’ “Conan the Barbarian.” |
In the early days of the ancient Hyborian Age, everyone apparently had access to excellent dental care, because the poor peasants in Marcus Nispel’s remake of “Conan the Barbarian” possess perfect sets of choppers.
However, the unfortunate warriors under the command of the warlord Khalar Zym obviously went with a cheaper health plan, because their teeth look terrible.
I only bring this up because teeth are supposed to be one of those things you don’t pay much attention to while watching an R-rated, action-packed tale of violence and vengeance.
But after about 40 minutes of numbing nonstop 3-D slashing and bashing, lopping and chopping, slicing and dicing, torment and torture, my mind began wandering.
I started to notice the anachronistic perfect smiles, the cheap-looking, digitally created blood spurts, the unreal, computer-generated landscapes, and Rachel Nichols’ ridiculously flat, mechanical line readings as a female warrior named Tamara.
These issues could be overlooked in a sword-and-sorcery movie if it sweeps us along with a riveting story and has well-wrought characters we can invest our emotions in.
“Conan the Barbarian” is not that movie. (Read more…)