100 Ways to Get a Bad Review (61-70)

Warning to Filmmakers: Your movie might be in danger of critical evisceration if it has:

70. Heroes who easily outrun bullets from machine guns fired by bad guys who never hit their intended targets. (Pierce Brosnan in “Tomorrow Never Dies,” Daniel Craig in “Quantum of Solace,” Eddie Murphy in “Beverly Hills Cop II,” Kurt Russell in “Big Trouble in Little China.”)
69. Characters who loudly announce, “I’m in!”’ (Jennifer Lopez in “Enough,” Will Smith in “Bad Boys II,” Mark-Paul Gosselaar in “Dead Man on Campus,” Sam Rockwell in “G-Force”)
VARIATIONS:
“We’re all in!” Justin Bartha in “National Treasure.”
“We’re in!” Bruce Willis in “Armageddon.”
“I’m going in!” Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Love Liza.”
“We’re going in!” Will Smith in “Bad Boys II.”
“We’re going in!” Lee Evans in “The Medallion.”
“I’m going in!” Craig T. Nelson in “The Incredibles.”
“I’m back in!” Sam Rockwell in “G-Force.”
68. Women who have sex while still wearing clothes, even in bed. (Calista Flockhart in “The Last Shot,” Katherine Heigl in “Knocked-Up,” Katherine Heigl in “The Ugly Truth,” Alexie Gilmore in “World’s Greatest Dad.”)
67. Older characters who shout, “I’m getting too old for this (crap/stuff/sh-t)!” (Danny Glover in “Lethal Weapon,” William Devane in “Space Cowboys,” Warren Oates in “Stripes,” Robert Duvall in “Assassination Tango,” Sean Connery in “The Rock,” R. Lee Ermey in “Prefontaine.”)
VARIATIONS:
“I am too old for this!” Roddy McDowall in “Rudyard Kipling’s The Second Jungle Book: Mowgli and Baloo.”
“You’re getting told old for this!” Ving Rhames in “Entrapment.”
“I’m too old for this!” Wendy Crewson in “Better Than Chocolate.”
“You’re getting too old for this. Me, too!” Anthony Hopkins to his horse in “Zorro.”
“I’m too old for that stuff!” Robert Duvall, again, in “Assassination Tango.”
“I must be getting too old for this sh-t!” Morgan Freeman in “Dreamcatcher.”
66. Actions based on predictable three-counts. (Gregory Peck locates scissors after looking in the third drawer in “The Omen.” A thief finally finds an open door on the third car he checks in “In the Still of the Night.” Jennifer Grey stops feeling ticklish the third time Patrick Swayze touches her in “Dirty Dancing.” A man tries to lasso the foot of a corpse and does it on the third try in “Physical Evidence.” A victim gets attacked in a parking lot the third time she hears something strange in “Phantom of the Mall.” Eric Bana stumbles upon the perfect Chicago home on his third house inspection in “The Time Traveler’s Wife.”)
65. Characters who reply, “Way!” as a response to someone saying, “No way!” (Patrick Dempsey in “Run,” Sandra Bullock in “While You Were Sleeping.” Note: “Wayne’s World” exempted.)
64. Villains who grab people by the throats and lift them off the ground with a single arm as the poor liftee’s legs flail about. (Julianne Moore ‑ the liftee ‑ in “The Forgotten,” Arnold Schwarzenegger ‑ the lifter ‑ in “Terminator 3,” Carter Wong lifting Dennis Dun in “Big Trouble in Little China,” Andrew Stanton lifting Tim Allen in “Toy Story 2,” just about every “Friday the 13th” movie ever made.)
63. Characters who get their faces squished up against glass for desperate comic effect. (The Snake and Blaster the guinea pig in “G-Force,” Garfield in “Garfield,” Buzz Lightyear in “Toy Story 2,” Steve Carrel in “Dinner for Schmucks,” characters in “White Girls” and “Breakfast on Pluto.” )
62. Characters who say, “Houston, we have a problem!” (Robin Williams in “Father’s Day,” the Two-Headed Dragon in “Quest for Camelot.”)
61. Foreboding storms that use distant thunder to signal bad things are about to happen. (Before Daniel Magon takes a terrible fall in “Broken Wings.” When Debra Messing discovers the unfaithfulness of her former lover in “The Wedding Date.” When Eric Bana gets a vasectomy and tells lover Rachel McAdams she won’t ever be a mother in “The Time Traveler’s Wife.”)

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