Warning to Filmmakers: Your movie might be in danger of critical evisceration if it has:
| 50. | Prominent film or theater stars, stuck in small and seemingly insignificant roles, who turn out to be “surprise” killers or criminal masterminds in mysteries. (Carey Elwes in “Kiss the Girls,” Michael Rooker in “Sea of Love,” Broadway star Len Cariou in “Lady in White,” Ewan McGregor in “Angels and Demons.”) |
| 49. | “Surprise” killers or criminal masterminds in mysteries who turn out to be — oh, no! – the hero’s beyond-suspicion trusted confidant, usually a mentor, best friend, business partner or sibling. (Max Von Sydow in “Minority Report,” Tony Goldwyn in “Ghost,” Tom Sizemore in “Strange Days” Ben Kinglsey in “Prince of Persia: Sands of Time”) |
| 48. | Characters who shout “Awesome!” even though Jeff Spicoli delivered the definitive version in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.” |
| “This is awesome!” Joel Courtney in “Super 8.” | |
| “It’s awesome!” (twice) Riley Griffiths in “Super 8.” | |
| “You are awesome!” Riley Griffiths in “Super 8.” | |
| “That was awesome!” Rory Culkin in “Scream 4.” | |
| “That sounds awesome!” Russell Brand in “Hop.” | |
| “You’re doing an awesome job!” Russell Brand in “Hop.” | |
| “That is awesome!” Kaley Cuoco in “Hop.” | |
| “That is awesome!” Russell Brand in “Hop.” | |
| “Awesome!” Dan Fogler in “Mars Needs Moms.” | |
| “It is awesome!” Seth Green in “Mars Needs Moms.” | |
| “Awesome!” Paul Giamatti in “Win Win.” | |
| “Awesome” Simon Pegg in “Paul.” | |
| “Awesome!” an alien in “Paul.” | |
| “That’s awesome!” Amanda Seyfried in “Letters to Juliet” | |
| “That’s really awesome!” Brandon T. Jackson in “Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.” | |
| “You’re awesome!” Bobbe J. Thompson in “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.” | |
| “AWESOME” car license plate in “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.” | |
| “They’re really agents of Satan with awesome haircuts!” Megan Fox in “Jennifer’s Body.” | |
| “That was awesome!” Josh Hutcherson in “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant.” | |
| “It was awesome!” Josh Hutcherson in “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant.” | |
| “That was awesome!” Cameron Boyce in “Grown Ups.” | |
| “It’s awesome!” Kevin James in “Grown Ups.” | |
| “Awesome!” Jack Black in “Kung Fu Panda 2.” | |
| “You’re awesome at sex!” Tyhler Hoechlin in “Hall Pass.” | |
| “That was awesome!” Christa Campbell in “Hall Pass.” | |
| “That was awesome!” Bikini girl at the start of “I am Number Four.” | |
| “This is awesome” Ty Simpkins in “Insidious.” | |
| “I was awesome!” Patrick Wilson in “Insidious.” | |
| “Awesome!” William Johnk Nielsen in “In a Better World” | |
| “Awesome!” Anton Yelchin in “The Beaver” | |
| “It’s awesome!” Jennifer Lawrence in “The Beaver” | |
| “That was awesome!” Joseph Gordon-Levitt in “Hesher.” | |
| “That looks awesome!” Kylie Bunbury in “Prom” | |
| “Awesome!” Janelle Ortiz in “Prom” | |
| “She was awesome!” Jared Kusnitz in “Prom” | |
| “You deserve an awesome prom!” DeVaughn Nixon in “Prom” | |
| 47. | Characters who flash the Siskel & Ebert “thumbs-up” gesture in a lame attempt to subtlely suggest we’re watching a critically approved motion picture. (Michelle Trachtenberg in “Euro-Trip,” Don McManus in “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant,” Ralph Brown in “Pirate Radio,” Seth Rogen in “Funny People,” Kevin Spacey in “Shrink,” Colin Hanks in “Untraceable,” John Cusack in “Martian Child,” Bobby Coleman in “Martian Child,” Eddie Murphy in “Norbit,” Gromit in “Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit,” Jason Schwartzman in “Shop Girl,” Peter Falk in “The Thing About My Folks,” Susan Sarandon in “Step Mom,” Spencer Fox’s Dash in “The Incredibles,” Martin Lawrence in “Rebound” (twice), Jamie Kennedy in “Son of the Mask,” Dan Aykroyd in “Christmas with the Kranks,” Danny Huston in “The Aviator,” Stephen Root in “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story,” Stephen Tobolowsky in “Little Black Book,” Ben Stiller in “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story” (five times), Tom Hanks in “The Terminal” (three times), Chulpan Khamatova in “Goodbye, Lenin!,” Glenn Close in “The Stepford Wives,” Meg Ryan in “On the Ropes,” Tom Arnold in “Soul Plane,” Vince Vaughn in “Starsky and Hutch,” Jordan Ladd in “Club Dread,” Tom Hanks in “The Ladykillers,” Marlon Wayans in “The Ladykillers,” J.K. Simmons in “The Ladykillers,” Pierce Brosnan in “Laws of Attraction,” Jared Padalecki in “New York Minute,” Jack Black in “Envy.” Nickolai Stoilov in “Lana’s Rain,” Nephi Pomaikai Brown in “50 First Dates,” Rob Schneider in “50 First Dates,” Adam Sandler in “50 First Dates,” Corbin Bleu in “Catch That Kid,” Owen Wilson in “The Big Bounce,” Stephen Sondheim in “Camp,” Robert Duvall in “Assassination Tango,” Jack Kehler in “Love Liza,” John Corbett in “The Messengers,” Eric Lloyd in “Santa Clause 2,” Will Friedle in “National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers,” Chris Owen in “National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers,” Taye Diggs in “Malibu’s Most Wanted,” Alan Taylor in “Real Cancun,” Owen Wilson in “Shanghai Knights,” Jason Lee in “A Guy Thing,” James Brolin in “A Guy Thing,” Hugh Grant in “About a Boy,” Jennifer Lopez in “Enough,” Danny Dyer in “Mean Machine,” Vinnie Jones in “Mean Machine,” Vivica A. Fox in “Two Can Play That Game,” Chris Kattan (twice) in “Corky Romano,” Jason Mewes in “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,” Kevin Smith (six times) in “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back,” Mel Gibson in “What Women Want,” Tunde Adebimpe (twice) in “Jump Tomorrow,” Mark Wahlberg (twice) in “Planet of the Apes,” Christopher Walken (twice) in “America’s Sweethearts,” Stanley Tucci in “America’s Sweethearts,” Julia Roberts in “America’s Sweethearts,” Johnny Depp in “Blow,” Christopher Walken in ”Blast from the Past,” Martin Lawrence in “What’s the Worst That Could Happen?” Drew Barrymore (twice) in “Charlie’s Angels,” Jerry O’Connell (twice) in “Tomcats,” Paul Hogan in “Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles,” Paul Reiser in “One Night at McCool’s,” a masked guard in “Shrek,” Kid Pardue in “Driven,” Sylvester Stallone in “Driven,” Simon Rex in “Scary Movie 3,” Burt Reynolds in “Driven,” a fireman extra (twice) in “Bridgette Fossy’s Diary,” Randy Quaid in “Independence Day,” Adam Baldwin in “Independence Day,” Sandra Bullock in “Miss Congeniality,” Marlon Wayans in “Dungeons & Dragons,” David Caruso in “Proof of Life,” French Stewart in “Love Stinks,” Famke Janssen in “House on Haunted Hill,” Jacqueline Bissett in “The Mephisto Waltz,” Robert Lepage in “Stardom,” Diane Keaton (twice) In “Because I Said So,” Jessica Pare in “Stardom,” John Travotla in “Lucky Numbers,” Jesus in “Dogma,” Lisa Kudro in “Lucky Numbers,” Titus Welliver in “Once in the Life,” Minnie Driver in “Beautiful,” Damon Wayans in “Bamboozled,” Robin Williams (three times) in “Father’s Day,” Kathleen Quinlan in “Breakdown,” Rowan Atkinson in “Mr. Bean’s Vacation,” Tom Berenger and JoBeth Williams in “The Big Chill,” Rodney Dangerfield in “Back to School,” Angelina Jolie in “Pushing Tin,” John Cusack in “Pushing Tin,” Craig Ferguson in “Big Tease,” Jenna Elfman in “Keeping the Faith,” Stephen Baldwin in “Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas,” a billboard cutout in “Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas,” Pee-wee Herman in “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure,” Richard Dreyfuss in “The Crew,” Eddie Murphy in “The Klumps,” Ginger in “Chicken Run,” Bruce Willis in “Disney’s the Kid,” Spencer Breslin in “Disney’s the Kid,” Tim Meadows (five times) in “The Ladies Man,” Will Farrell in “The Ladies Man,” Mark Fuerstein in “Woman on Top,” Billy Zane (twice) in “Silver City,” David Clennon in “Silver City,” Danny Huston in “Silver City,” Patrick Swayze in “Donnie Darko,” Treat Williams in “Miss Congeniality: Armed and Fabulous,” Brian Herzlinger in “My Date With Drew,” Timothy Hutton in “Last Holiday,” Sean Thibobeau in “The Ladies Man,” Courteney Cox in “Scream 4” (two thumbs), Joe Adler in “Prom,” an FBI agent in “Trust,” Sean Connery in “The Rock,” Leslie Nielsen in “Spy Hard,” Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Chevy Chase and Graham Greene in “Man of the House,” two green soldiers in “Toy Story.” Exempted: Joaquin Phoenix in “Gladiator.” (He was the emperor, after all.)) |
| 46. | Characters who tell other characters how funny they are: |
| “You’re funny!” Jake Gyllenhaal in “Source Code” | |
| “You’re funny!” Elsie Fisher in “Despicable Me” | |
| “You’re funny!” Rose Byrne in “Get him to the Greek” | |
| “You’re funny!” Johnny Depp in “Rango” | |
| “You’re funny!” Steve Howie in “Something Borrowed” | |
| “You’re funny!” Kylie Bunbury in “Prom” | |
| 45. | “The Wild Bunch March,” when three or more characters walk in slow motion toward the camera as an act of visual solidarity before leaping into action. (“G-Force” “Grown-Ups” “Sex and the City 2” “Hall Pass” “Sucker Punch” “The Right Stuff”) |
| 44. | The Fashion Show Montage, where men and women try on different outfits in front of a mirror while music plays, and their clothes change from one jump-cut to the next. (“Garage Days,” “Johnny English,” Steve Martin in “Bringing Down the House,” Gene Kelly in “Xandau,” “Finding North,” “Camp”) |
| 43. | Characters introduced with a close-up of their shoes, then the camera moves up until we finally see the characters’ faces. (Snoop Dogg in “Soul Train” and… Seriously, I don’t have the time or space to list all the thousands of perpetrators of this lame and ridiculous cliché that suggests the first thing we notice when we first meet people is…their shoes? Seriously.) |
| 42. | Women who have no weapons or fight training who wind up dressed in armor and can magically take on experienced, bigger opponents in combat in the third act. (Cate Blanchett in “Robin Hood,” Mia Wasikowska in “Alice in Wonderland,” Anna Popplewell in “Chronicles of Narnia”) |
| 41. | The “surprise behind the door” device, in which we’re supposed to be scared when someone closes the A) medicine cabinet door B) refrigerator door C) school locker door and there’s someone standing behind it! (“Orphan,” “Halloween 2,” “Scream 4” and a whole lot more.) |