Warning to Filmmakers: Your movie might be in danger of critical evisceration if it has:
| 60. | Characters who slip once and almost fall when walking along a dangerous ledge or climbing high up or running from danger. (Harrison Ford in “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” Milla Jovovich in “The Perfect Getaway,” Claude Reins in “The Lost World,” Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Pirate Radio.”) |
| 59. | Rival characters who draw their guns at point-blank range, shove them into each other’s faces, but instead of instantly shooting, talk for a long time. (“The Killer,” “Drop Zone,” “Hard Justice,” “The Immortals.” Note: “A Better Tomorrow” exempted.) |
| 58. | Characters who shriek “Nooooooooooooooooooo!” (usually in excruciating slow motion) when something terrible happens in front of them, and they can’t stop it in time. (Kiele Sanchez in “A Perfect Getaway,” Mel Gibson in “The Patriot,” Hayden Christensen in “Revenge of the Sith,” Elijah Wood in “Lord of the Rings,” a mother in the crowd in “All About Steve.”) |
| 57. | Characters who screech, “That’s what I’m talking about!” (Simon Pegg in “Star Trek,” Wood Harris in “Next Day Air,” Rainn Wilson in “The Rocker,” Mark Duplass in “Humpday,” DeRay Davis in “How She Move,” Jay Mohr in “Are We There Yet?” Denzel Washington in “Training Day,” Bernie Mac in “Guess Who,” John Gries in “Napoleon Dynamite,” Queen Latifah in “Last Holiday,” Laurence Fishburne in “Searching For Bobby Fischer,” Flex Alexander in “Snakes on a Plane,” Kenan Thompson in “Snakes on a Plane,” Xzibit in “Gridiron Gang,” Brandon Smith in “Gridiron Gang,” Dwayne Johnson in “Gridiron Gang,” Billy Crudup in “Trust the Man,” Dylan McDermott in “The Messengers,” Emile Hirsch in “Into the Wild,” John Cusack in “Martian Child.” VARIATIONS: “That’s the kind of stuff I’m talking about!” Lou Taylor Pucci in “Fast Food Nation.” “This is what I’m talking about!” Jason Bateman in “Extract.” |
| 56. | Multi-colored party balloons used as visual props: “Greenburg,” “She’s Out of My League,” “Old Dogs,” “Legion,” “Gamer,” “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs,” “Thirst,” “Euro-Trip,” “The Eye,” “Shorts,” “Teeth,” “The Music Within,” “Time Traveler’s Wife,” “Humpday,” “Untraceable,” “Flicka,” “Norbit,” “Smokin’ Aces,” “The Green Butchers,” “Coach Carter,” “In Good Company,” “Fierce People,” “Hide and Seek,” “Omen,” “Closer,” “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,” “National Lampoon’s Gold Diggers,” “What Love Is,” “Carandiru,” “40 Shades of Blue,” “Stepford Wives,” “The Last Shot,” “Imaginary Heroes,” “The Constant Gardner,” “Shrek 2,” “Gilles’ Wife,” “Hellboy,” “First Daughter,” “The Cleaning,” “Raising Helen,” “Taking Lives,” “Because I Said So,” “Charlie’s Angels: Full Thottle,” “The Matador,” “Veronica Guerin,” “Now You Know,” “Rails & Ties,” “Ong Bak,” “The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio,” “Beautiful,” “Alfie,” “Finding North,” “All About the Benjamins,” “Rat Race,” “Knock Off,” “At First Sight,” “Outside Ozona,” “Cellular,” “Breaking and Entering,” “Virgin Suicides,” “Godsend,” “The Bourne Supremacy,” “Fat Albert,” “Lacucaracha,” “I Love You Beth Cooper,” “Michael Clayton,” “Wolverine,” “17 Again.” Note: “Up” and “Minority Report” exempted.) |
| 55. | Pretentious posing of actors’ heads next to each other, but one is upside down. (Tricia O’Kelley, Patrick J. Adams and Ryan Devlin in “Weather Girl,” Carey Mulligan and Peter Sarsgaard in “An Education,” Anna Mouglalis and Mads Mikkelsen in “Coco Chanel & Igor Stravinsky.”) |
| 54. | Characters who announce, “Let me get this straight!” as a preamble to an internal summary for slower viewers who haven’t paid attention to the story up to that point. (Kevin James in “Hitch,” Jack Black in “Year One,” Annie Corley in “Law-Abiding Citizen,” Viola Davis in “Law-Abiding Citizen,” Eddie Murphy in “Shrek Forever After,” Adrien Brody in “Splice.”) |
| 53. | The insane overuse of the adjective “good” in dialogue. |
| “I’m good!” Tina Fey in “Date Night.” | |
| “I’m good!” Common in “Just Wright.” | |
| “I’m good!” Robert Downey Jr. in “Iron Man 2.” | |
| “You’re good!” Robert Downey Jr. in “Iron Man 2.” | |
| “I’m good!” Amanda Seyfried in “Letters to Juliette” (twice) | |
| “I’m good!” Will Smith in “Hitch” (twice) | |
| “Oh, you’re good!” Alan Cumming in “Son of the Mask.” | |
| “You’re very good!” Laura Linney in “Kinsey.” | |
| “You’re really good!” Maggie Gyllenhaal in “Trust the Man.” | |
| “I’m good!” Gabriel Byrne in “P.S.” | |
| “She’ s good!” Ray Liotta in “The Last Shot.” | |
| “You’re good!” Tom Cruise in “Collateral.” | |
| “He’s very good” Kevin Kline in “De-Lovely.” | |
| “He’s real good!” Stephen Tobolowsky in “Garfield.” | |
| “That guy’s good!” Tim Daley in “On the Ropes.” | |
| “I’m good!” Bryan Greenberg in “The Perfect Score.” | |
| “He’s good!” Julianne Moore in “Laws of Attraction.” | |
| “You’re good!” Drew Barrymore in “50 First Dates.” | |
| “I’m good!” Philip Seymour Hoffman in “Along Came Polly.” | |
| “I’m good!” Ben Stiller in “Along Came Polly.” | |
| “He’s good. He’s very, very good!” Sylvester Stallone in “Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over.” | |
| “The kid’s good” Gregory Martin in “Poolhall Junkies.” | |
| “He’s good. He’s really good!” Luke Wilson in “Legally Blonde 2.” | |
| “You guys are good. Very good!” Will Farrell in “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.” | |
| “I know I’m good.” Jane Fonda in “Klute.” | |
| “She’s good!” Hugh Jackman in “X2: X-Men United.” | |
| “You’re good!” Edward Burns in “Confidence.” | |
| “You’re real good, then?” Jean Reno in “Jet Lag.” | |
| “He’s good!” Matthew McConaughey’s dad in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” | |
| “You’re good!” Colin Farrell in ‘Daredevil.” | |
| “You’re real good!” Laurence Fishburne in “Biker Boyz.” | |
| “You are good!” Cameron Diaz in “Sweetest Thing.” | |
| “You’re good!” James Noah in “Enough.” | |
| “You’re very good!” Jude Law in “Breaking and Entering.” | |
| “You’re good!” Ellen Page in “Hard Candy.” | |
| “He’s good!” Michael Showalter in “The Baxter.” | |
| “You’re good!” Breckin Meyer in “Rebound.” | |
| “We’re good! We’re good!” Peter Berg in “Corky Romano.” | |
| “That girl’s good!” Anthony Anderson in “Two Can Play That Game.” | |
| “He’s good. He’s really good.” Garrett Morris in “Jackpot.” | |
| “This is good!” Julia Roberts in “America’s Sweethearts.” | |
| “I’m very good at what I do!” Edward Norton in “The Score.” | |
| “You must be really good!” Edward Norton in “The Score.” | |
| “She’s good!” Matthew McConahey in “The Wedding Singer.” | |
| “You’re very good!” Tim Curry in “Charlie’s Angels.” | |
| “That’s good! That’s good!” Jordana Brewster in “The Fast and the Furious.” | |
| “You are good!” Tom Everett Scott In “Because I Said So.” | |
| “You are good!” a movie mogul in “Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.” | |
| “I’m good at it!” Matt Dillon in “One Night at McCool’s” | |
| “He’s good!” Jennifer Love Hewitt in “Heartbreakers” | |
| “You’re really good at this!” Ray Liotta in “Heartbreakers.” | |
| “You’re good, baby!” Sigourney Weaver in “Heartbreakers.” | |
| “You guys were good!” Kirsten Dunst in “Bring It On” | |
| “You’re good!” David Schwimmer in “All the Rage” | |
| “You are so good at this!” Diana Scarwid in “What Lies Beneath” | |
| “You’re good!” Kate Hardie in “Croupier.” | |
| “He’s good!” William Shatner in “Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.” | |
| “He’s good!” a Klingon in “Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.” | |
| “I’m just that good!” Will Smith in “Enemy of the State.” | |
| “You’re good!” Billy Crystal in “Analyze This.” | |
| “This guy is really good!” Lin Shaye in “Snakes on a Plane.” | |
| “He’s good!” Mike Myers in “Wayne’s World.” | |
| “I’m good!” Kenan Thompson in “Snakes on a Plane” | |
| “You’re good!” Karyn Dwyer in “Better Than Chocolate.” | |
| “He’s good!” Hank Azaria in “Mystery Men.” | |
| “You are good! You are really, really good!” Ally Walker in “Happy Texas.” | |
| “You guys are good!” Steve Zahn in “Happy Texas.” | |
| “He’s good. Real good!” Kevin Tighe in “Road House.” | |
| “I’m good at what I do,. Giovanni Ribisi in “Boiler Room.” | |
| “I’m good!” Al Pacino in “Any Given Sunday” | |
| “This guy is good!” Michael Caine in “Secondhand Lions.” | |
| “She’s good! Very good!” Jason Biggs in “Boys and Girls.” | |
| “You guys are good. Very good!” Will Farrell in “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.” | |
| “He’s good!” Darryl Hannah in “Kill Bill Vol. 2.” | |
| “You’re good!” Martin Lawrence in “Rebound.” | |
| 52. | Characters who applaud their opponents with a sarcastic clap, a cliché already ridiculed in a “Saturday Night Live” skit. (Don Dixon in “Camp,” Timothy Daly in “Against the Ropes,” Kevin Pollack in “Cop Out,” Robin Williams in “August Rush,” John Malkovich, Anthony Hopkins and Ray Winstone in “Beowulf.”) |
| 51. | Characters who randomly confess things to people, who then try to cover for the screenwriter’s lazy attempt to prod the narrative along by saying “Why are you telling me (all) this?” (Anton Yelchin in “Fierce People,” Kevin Bacon in “The Woodsman,” Julie Delpy In “Before Sunset,” Charlize Theron in “The Italian Job,” Joachim Phoenix in “Buffalo Soldiers,” Angelina Jolie in “Beyond Borders,” Saffron Burrows in “Troy,” Heather Locklear in “The Perfect Man,” Michael Showalter in “The Baxter.” VARIATIONS: “Why am I telling you all this?” A hotel patron in “A Single Girl.” “I can’t believe I’m telling you all this stuff!” Reese Witherspoon in “Freeway.” “Why do I even tell you about these things?” Robin Williams in “World’s Greatest Dad.” “I don’t know why I’m telling you this!” Robin Williams in “World’s Greatest Dad.” |
Leave a comment